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Dear Santa

My wish list may be a bit bizarre but it IS a wish list and as such I do a lot of WISHING this holiday season. Can you hook me up please?

More sleep. Or maybe I should say I need more writing done during daylight hours so I CAN sleep more at night. Would really appreciate this one.

Cold weather. Really I just want it to remain consistent. I mean if it has to be hot then let’s just go with hot all the way through. This 30 degrees one day and 75 the next is seriously fucking with me. My poor thermostat controls are screaming WTF at me as I go from heat to A/C

I’d really love for people to stop bitching so much, but I suppose that’s a lot to ask. Maybe just give me a roll of duct tape so I can do the job myself. I realize you’re busy and well, this one’s a tall order…

I’m worried about my upcoming trip to Colorado. You see, I figure about the time we land in Denver and depart on the two hour drive to the place we’re staying, Colorado will be gripped my a freak heat wave and that the temps will soar to unprecedented, all time highs. Which will cause a massive snow melt and the entire state will become a reservoir. Really I just want some snow while I’m there. I figure since they get a bazilion inches in the mountains every winter that this isn’t an overly difficult request, but I DO have evidence to support my paranoia. After all, we traveled to Scotland a year and a half ago and they experienced RECORD heat the ENTIRE time we were there. And dude, those people don’t have air conditioning.

And lastly, I need the book writing fairy to somehow place an entire finished manuscript (an awesome manuscript!) under my pillow by January 1.

That would be cool.

Lots of love.


PS, I think a “mute” button for my children would be most awesome. I’m sure a man of your advanced age and expertise could figure out how to sneak into their bedrooms Christmas Eve night and implant chips that control vocal cords. You can leave the remote in my stocking. I promise not to use it more than once…an hour.

15 thoughts on “Dear Santa”

  1. Christi says:

    LOL…LOVE your list esp. the Mute button!! Sending lots of positive thoughts that he hears the wish for the awesome manuscript! smiles…

  2. If you get that manuscript under your pillow, can you send the writing fairy to my house next? And she should bring a copy of whatever she dropped off at your house so I can get an early read. :)

    Have a good holiday!

  3. Laurie Kap says:

    OMG – you had me rolling.
    Totally get the weather switch – it’s fucking with me too – one or the other, please! :-)

    Duct tape fixes everything doesn’t it!

  4. LeeAnn says:

    Love the letter. Here is to hoping you have snow on your trip. Also why hasn’t anyone ever before asked for a mute button for the kids? Unless they have and he isn’t Oh and I am with HelenKay..after he drops the script off at your house he can leave me a copy too..plz and thank you very much.

  5. Allie says:

    LOL!! Love it. If it can rain 3 inches in 24 hours here (expected in the next 2 days), I’m sure it can snow for you in Colorado!

  6. Shiloh says:

    One of those “mute” buttons for the children, I need one for each of mine (and the husband) as well! LOVE your wish list, its too funny!!

  7. Brandy W says:

    Hey now lady!!! No warm weather in Colorado please. Its bad enough I can still wear my cut off sweats outside and not feel like I’m freezing. Plus I’d prefer not to be in a giant reservoir please. My house is kinda up on a hill and far from the mountains but still.

    I’ll partake on those mute buttons too. Boys are sooooo freaking loud.

  8. azteclady says:

    If you do get that duct tape, could I get some too, please?

    Happy Holidays!

  9. Jill Wymer says:

    “And dude, those people don’t have air conditioning.”

    I totally spit my after work chocolate milk out when I read this. I wish you several inches of fresh snow while you are there, but not blizzard-like proportions, just some nice fat, fluffy snowflakes. :)



  10. Shy Amy says:

    This letter made me smile. Thanks for sharing it.
    I’m with you on the sleep and the mute button for the children. I love them dearly, but I swear as soon as they come though the door after school, I become a more waitress than Mom.

  11. Terri H says:

    Santa will surely give you snow in Colorado. You deserve that for all the hard work you’ve done this year! I don’t think you’d better expect the bitching to stop, but I’d be happy to pitch in on the duct tape. :) Also, if you get that mute button, send me the manufacturer and model number, please! (And if you get the mute button, maybe you can get in a few naps.) Good luck!!!

  12. trish dechant says:

    LOVE the remote and mute button for kids. Let me know if you get one…coz I would SO use that bad boy…and Maybe, just MAYBE be able to get some writing done…LOL

  13. Ing says:

    OMG…that was too funny! Favorite line “I’m sure a man of your advanced age and expertise could figure out how to sneak into…”

    I feel you on the crazy Texas weather. I wake up and it’s cold. Put a nice sweater on and by time it’s lunch it’s freaking in the 90s.

  14. Saint says:

    Amen on the weather…I mean really, I know S.E. TX isn’t known for it’s seasons but…come on work with me here I’m dying.

  15. Anita McCaskey says:

    I would SO LOVE a “mute” button, too!!

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